


As I lay dying

by SamanthaM_M



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Movie: Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:34:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22099534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamanthaM_M/pseuds/SamanthaM_M
Summary: You know how supposedly your entire life rolls in front of your eyes when you’re dying? Well, this is what Ben Solo saw in that moment.
Relationships: Kylo Ren & Rey, Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	As I lay dying

**Author's Note:**

  * For [seeyouwithyourlaughterlines](https://archiveofourown.org/users/seeyouwithyourlaughterlines/gifts).



> My mental state after TROS is being stuck somewhere dark and I hope I will get out of there.

“So this is it,” run through his mind. The end of the line. No more Kylo Ren. No more Ben Solo. No more Skywalkers. No more nothing. Yet for whatever reason he was not scared. He genuinely believed that dying was not as terrifying as he had originally thought it would be. 

There was light. And the smell, oh, he instantly recognized the smell of fresh grass and seaside and… home. Ben opened his eyes to the sight of green hills, quiet forests and calm sea on his home planet Chandrilla. He would always remember the peaceful place where he was born and spent the best years of his life. But a faint stab of pain near the heart made him realize that even this bittersweet memory would not last forever so he took a couple steps to make sure the place he was seeing was indeed the one from his childhood. 

That’s when he saw them walking down the hillside in the distance. Han Solo and General Organa. Mom and dad as he used to call them back in those flawless days that were not tarnished by the idea of Dark. Each of them were holding a boy’s hand and the child was swinging between his parents. Adult Ben watched his joyful younger self – smiling and careless – and the pain shot up to his heart again, only stronger this time. The end was near. 

“Ben, don’t run away! Stay where I can see you!”  
“Listen to your mother, boy, or we’ll both get the beating!”  
“Han, don’t say things like that…” 

And little Ben run and run, across the beach, skipping over stones and branches, not being able to hear the beginning of his parents’ bickering and never ending quarrels over the noise of bellowing waves and the wind whistling above the sand dunes. For now, he was safe and there were so many new and exciting things to distract him that it was almost easy to forget and ignore the impending doom. It was easy to get lost in the beauty of the blue and green planet and not listen to the voices. 

Ben’s hand involuntary rose to his throat as to stop the bile he felt rising inside. He would have done anything and everything but…. There he was, watching the most precious memory being disgraced by the deeds of his own future. The child he watched had nothing to do with the man he was about to become. That child hadn’t known Snoke, or Dark side or Kylo Ren. He hadn’t yet known pain, humiliation, neglect and hate. At that point in time and memory, little Ben Solo had only known vast grass plains of Chandrilla, the safety and familiar smell of Millennium Falcon, uncle Chewie’s bone-breaking hugs and mom and dad’s good night kisses on his forehead. 

An adult and much older Ben Solo stood there watching the young family from the sideline with tears streaming down his face and pain of the eager death trying to catch up on him, clenching his fists in vain clearly understanding that there was nothing he could do to change the things that were to come and to happen, to become the reality of his lonely teenage years and hateful adulthood. 

The ache was making its presence more prominent with every breath he drew in and his vision became blurrier by the second. He wanted to run, to look his parents in the eyes one last time and apologize, say goodbye… anything. But this was just a memory, a film playing in his head and he felt that his time came to an end. 

“Ben, don’t go! Stay with me, please!”

The scenery around him changed. The smell of hot sand and empty skies filled his nostrils. Even without opening his eyes he knew where his mind took him. Tattooine. A place that no member of Skywalker family wanted to be reminded of – it just held too much pain for them. But the demanding presence of someone else being near forced him to finally open them. 

She was there. Dressed in all white like a Jedi, just the way he remembered her from the last moments they got to spend together. The pain got worse again. One damned kiss and then it was all thrown away and gone, lost forever. He could not bear the possibility of what could be if things turned out differently in the final battle on Exogol. He wanted her so much that it killed him. And they both knew it. 

“Fuck it! FUCK It!”   
“Ben, I swear I’ll find you and I’ll bring you back. I’ll do everything that I can do, I promise…”

Her voice faded away and so did the image of that desolate planet. But he had heard her. And he waited.

**Author's Note:**

> I accept Ben's death as canon because my stupid mind cannot delete what it had already seen but he will come back somehow, I swear


End file.
